


but only when you miss the rain (like i miss you)

by Anonymous



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotional Hurt, Healing, Implied Relationships, M/M, Pining, barely, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29752578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: sometimes, shinwon wants to say, jabbing his finger right into the center of hwitaek’s chest, “i’m hurting, do you know that? i’m hurting so fucking much. and it’s all because of you.”
Relationships: Ko Shinwon/Lee Hwitaek | Hui
Kudos: 15
Collections: Anonymous





	but only when you miss the rain (like i miss you)

sometimes, shinwon wants to say, jabbing his finger right into the center of hwitaek’s chest, “i’m hurting, do you know that? i’m hurting so fucking much. and it’s  _ all because of you.” _

he wonders how the older man would respond, how  _ hui _ would respond. hui would probably smile offhandedly, the way he does at fans, just enough empathy to not make someone offended. hwitaek, on the other hand, would maybe spare him a nod, but say, “no, you’re not. you’re not hurting  _ because of me.”  _ hui is a people pleaser. hwitaek is not. hwitaek is not going to say anything that would make shinwon feel better if he thinks it’s not true.

but then he realizes that hwitaek is gone and so is hui. he was the one to shave hwitaek’s hair off to get ready for his training camp in the salon they had spent way too many groggy mornings at when they had a schedule. he had seen hwitaek off just a few days ago, watched him wave a giddy goodbye way too chipper for the occasion before he disappeared into the crowds of new soldiers, not sparing him or yuto or jinsu, their manager, another glance. the single room right next to the door is now empty, its owner tucked away in a military camp in the depths of nonsan.

he wonders if hwitaek is thinking of him. jinho had said that the first two weeks of training camp consist of just sitting around, so hwitaek must be bored out of his mind, uneasy, even, knowing how restless he gets whenever he isn’t busy. perhaps, late at night, hwitaek would be thinking of him and wishing that shinwon was by his side.

shinwon thinks of hwitaek a lot. everything reminds him of hwitaek. a mug from seattle, the design now faded from all the times it had been thrown into the dishwasher hazardously, that they had bought together in that small gift shop on their world tour. a padded vest from the north face on the coat rack, untouched, that hwitaek had bought because it reminded him of his childhood but didn’t bring along to the military. his own sweater he bought from the 1975 merch store, because hwitaek had stolen it from him multiple times, claiming that it was cozy. he could be at a convenience store, grabbing a quick snack before a schedule, and still think of hwitaek. he must be going crazy, he thinks to himself.

he spends more time in hwitaek’s studio than he should, especially now that he has got his own that he shares with hyunggu, just down the hallway. wooseok is supposed to be the sole owner of the studio now, but shinwon barges in with his guitar mumbling something about livestreams. wooseok is kind and understanding so he stays out of his _own_ studio with the excuse of hanging out with yuto, and shinwon would have the decency to feel bad if he weren’t busy sulking. but being in hwitaek’s studio only reminds shinwon of him even more. hwitaek has left behind a memo pad on the table, the characters he had designed scribbled onto it hurriedly. he wonders if hwitaek had left it behind just so shinwon would think of him. the fans tell him that _hui_ had drawn it during a livestream. 

_ it’s just a goddamn month, koh shinwon,  _ he grumbles to himself one night,  _ why are you acting like he’s gone forever?  _ he realizes that he doesn’t have an answer. he figures he will get over it. 

the first night hwitaek had left, shinwon found himself wide awake at night, scrolling through countless selcas of the two of them from almost five years ago at this point. there were pictures that he had forgotten about, ones that were taken when they were young and happy and way too excited about the future. it only made him feel worse, wishing that a younger version of him wouldn’t have taken it for granted. but he did, and now it leaves him yearning and yearning for something that wouldn’t be coming back.

he wonders if hwitaek had received his letter. there had been a lot of things he had wanted to say —  _ i miss you. come back. i can’t sleep without thinking about you. are you thinking of me too?  _ but when he finally starts penning his letter he finds himself at a loss of words, and everything on his mind ends up boiling down to just five lines. it takes him three days to even send out the letter, far too scared that hwitaek would find his letter insincere. but he supposes that hui would understand when he sees it. perhaps he would smile at the sight of it, bittersweet, as he scans over the printed letters. maybe he would smooth his fingertips over each and every word. shinwon wonders if hwitaek misses him too, if he feels the same ache in the hollow of his chest. 

the night before hwitaek left, shinwon had trouble falling asleep. hwitaek must have known that — he is sensitive to sounds in his sleep and he must have heard all the shuffling and shifting of blankets in shinwon’s room. the next morning, hwitaek hadn’t said anything but pressed his lips together into a semisweet smile, patting his shoulder. 

breakfast that morning was painstakingly quiet. hyunggu had gone to mapo-gu early in the morning to pre-record for m-countdown, while hongseok had his drama to film, so it left the two of them at the kitchen table, way too many words left unsaid as shinwon picked at his jjajangmyeon, too distracted to actually eat. hwitaek had ordered from their favorite breakfast place that they rarely had the time to eat at because he liked the gyeranmari there, but he didn’t have much appetite and shoved the leftovers in the fridge decisively, mumbled that hyunggu or hongseok could have them as a midnight snack, or breakfast for the next day. they both know that it’s not going to happen — hongseok is constantly on a diet and wouldn’t eat at midnight, hyunggu would be at the studio stuffing his face with convenience store snacks when it’s way too late at night instead of being at the dorm, neither of them have time for breakfast because they sleep in until it’s past pick-up time. but shinwon hadn’t had the heart to stop him, shoved his own container of jjajangmyeon next to the leftovers into the fridge too. 

when the clock struck eleven, signalling pick-up time, shinwon had helped hwitaek with his jacket. his hand gripped at the older’s arm at one point when hwitaek slipped his arm through the jacket, and he didn’t want to let go, which made hwitaek laugh gently as he shaked his head in mock disapproval. before they left the apartment, though, hwitaek had leaned up on his toes and pressed his mouth close to shinwon’s ear sweetly, and said that he was glad to have shinwon send him off. it had hurt a lot to hear it and shinwon could only nod at the remark, unable to speak.

yuto was in the passenger’s seat, shinwon noticed, when they got into the car. it was an unusually quiet ride and shinwon had reached over to hold hwitaek’s hand in his when he thought yuto or jinsu wouldn’t notice. knowing yuto, he probably did, but shinwon supposes that he would understand. jinsu had never been nosey, even if it’s technically his job to be, and kept his eyes on the road.

shinwon hates long drives but he had wished that the ride to nonsan wouldn’t end. he watched as hwitaek leaned against the glass window, his hand smoothing at his buzz cut as he took a selca. his neon green jacket almost sparkled under the sun as they sped along a highway, and shinwon had difficulty tearing his eyes away from the man. it’s stupid. it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

when the car pulled over at a parking spot near the military camp and there were cameras awaiting them, shinwon had to pretend that he was okay. yuto had curled a comforting arm around his, a silent reassurance. the cameras weren’t exactly in their face but it still stung to have a cameraman following them around, focused on getting hwitaek on camera. hwitaek had put on  _ hui  _ one last time and nodded at the journalist who was really just doing his job, said that he would serve well and return quickly. 

he had gotten one last hug from hwitaek, right before he disappeared into the crowds. hwitaek had laughed against his chest, still enveloped in his arms, when shinwon held on a little too tight, pressed his lips close to his ear again, “i’m gonna be back. it’s not the end of the world.”   
  


he knew, but it had felt like it. it still does. he hasn’t heard from hwitaek in a week at this point and it drives him crazy — not having him around in one thing. not  _ hearing  _ from him is another. he supposes that hwitaek hadn’t called anyone yet — his mother, like his son, is kind and sweet and would probably tell the members through a kakaotalk message or something if hwitaek had called, knowing how much he means to them. hyunggu doesn’t say anything about receiving a phone call from him, either, and if there’s any member hwitaek would call first thing in the military aside from shinwon himself, it would be hyunggu. it makes him nervous, worried if hwitaek is getting used to military life fine, if he is staying warm, if he has made new friends that would make the five weeks of training less insufferable. 

(shinwon is hurting, and it’s all because of hwitaek.)

tears fog up his vision when he least expects it. he had thought that he wouldn’t cry but tears are streaming down his cheeks, salty and warm. he pulls his phone out and clicks open the app the military had made for people like him — those who think about someone who is probably doing fine all too much. he types up a letter, eyes blurry, drowns out the sound of his fingers tapping against his phone screen.  _ i miss you. do you miss me too? i can’t do this without you. maybe i should’ve realized how much i needed you. i’m sorry for only missing you when you are gone.  _ but when he has it all typed out and reads it over he realizes how dramatic it is. shinwon has never been one for the overdramatic, so he deletes the letter right away. 

after that night, though, shinwon realizes that he can’t keep going like this anymore. if hwitaek had known, he would tell him simply to get himself together. he’s not going to spare him the pity, not even when it’s because of him that shinwon is hurting. staring at hwitaek’s empty bedroom still hurts but it stings less. he doesn’t have the time to sulk, after all. comeback is in less than a month. he would have to get used to schedules and stages without hwitaek sooner or later.

dance practices are harder than he thought without hwitaek who would keep the mood up. it’s weird to not hear  _ hui  _ screaming the lyrics on the top of his lungs as they go over move after move after move. shinwon gets off of the floor where he had been lying on, clapping his hands together loudly to get everyone into practice mode. it’s usually what hwitaek does, and shinwon supposes that he can take over for the older. wooseok takes his hand when shinwon reaches out to pull him to his feet, and sends a warm smile his way. hyunggu’s eyes meet his in the mirror, and the younger boy smiles at him reassuringly, as if he is relieved. shinwon smiles back. 

that night, shinwon writes hwitaek another letter. it gets longer than he had expected it to be —  _ how are you? we are doing better. comeback preparation is busy and it feels weird without you, but we are going to do fine. i hope you are having fun with training, though i suppose that’s hard. don’t worry about us too much, hyung. don’t get sick, eat well and dress warmly. still thinking of you.  _ he sends his letter out right away without thinking much. hwitaek would probably be proud of him as he reads the letter, a genuine smile curled into his lips that shinwon can picture even if he can’t see it. 

(and when hwitaek finally comes back, a month later, shinwon would open the door to the dorms, way too exhausted for his own good after a full day of schedules. hwitaek would be sitting by the kitchen table, his grown out buzz cut peeking out from behind his cap, staring at shinwon with a gentle smile. shinwon would freeze, tongue-tied as he steps into hwitaek’s outstretched arms. maybe, by then, he would not be hurting anymore.)


End file.
